Survival of Vanilla

I headed this journal as Survival of Vanilla as that is exactly how I see my life, I know no other way, as a survivor, always a survivor.

Where do I begin, always knew I was adopted by my birth father and his wife, my mom as I called her, who I was told she could not have children. My father at some point met my birth mother, who gave birth to me in Scotland Edinburgh, then gave me up, of which I was never sure whether she gave me up straight after birth or at a later date, maybe 18 months later. My father from my young age told me my birth mothers name both christian and surname, which was also on my adoption certificate. Now the adoption certificate was dated two years after I was born, thats how long the process took to go through the courts. So my birth father is now my rightful father, his wife now becoming my mom that I grew up with knowing that she wasnt my true mother.
To jump ahead a little, I had during my 30s or 40s tried to trace my birth mother, but baring in mind it was done by letter or phonecall, I never had a computer. I wasnt that meticulous in tracing her so it kind of fell to the wayside, think thats the right expression. As the years went by, I grew older, so I always believed as time went by that if I was to start tracing again, she would now surely be dead, and so it went on and on. Yet I had so many questions wanting to ask, like, did you ever regret giving me up? do you, did you ever think of me on my birthdays? did you even remember when my birthday was? did you ever wonder how I turned out? and of course what other living relatives do I have, and most importantly, are you happy?

Jumping ahead to February of last year, I took myself to my first Psychic, clairvoyant meeting down at our village hall. She singled me out with descibing my mom and her mom, my gran to a tee. First strange thing she mentioned was a cake, a celebration, which was going to take place in September, September of last year. I came away from that meeting poo pooing what she said as ridiculous. Ridiculous because I have no family, well not any more as most had passed or what were left are not worth talking about, either have no time for me, or just lost contact or were never close in the first place, even my only daughter and myself were estranged although daughters birthday is September.

Jumping ahead again to late July or August of last year. Having given the psychic not any more thought, particularly as I never went back, I had put it to the back of my mind.

Now last year was UKs Olympics and Paralympics, the Paralympics taking place July August, I spotted a lady on tv who I recognised from way back when I was 12 13 and 14, she was my art and needlework teacher from school, what was she doing on tv, well she was Miss Margaret Maughan the first ever Paralympic gold medal winner of the 1960s who was going to be the main opening torch lighter. I was amazed and tried looking up info of her as a teacher at my old school, yet had no luck, just kept taking me to link after link, that was until I came to a " missing you " link. You know the type, missing family, friends, army pals etc. Well would you belive it, there right in front of me was an add from my estranged daughter in her 40s, looking for info on her birth father. So I thought while I am here I may as well place my own add, not expecting anything would ever come of this, but hey, lets give it a go I thought.
The next day I checked my e-mails, there was just one reply to my add, seemed genuine enough, especially when I now understand some adds can and do recieve replies from fraudsters, unsoliciteds and spammers, I somehow avaided any of that, boy was I lucky, nor strangely did I recieve any more replies.
I replied and straight away followed her info up, and the next day I was holding an envelope of my birth mothers death certificate.

By September I am now in the process of chasing the wearabouts of half brother who signed moms certificate, also continuing with my own internet tracing, still needed some more facts and figures that I did indeed have the real person, that this certificate was my real mother. Yet I instinctively knew that she was, I just had that feeling from day one, just needed some varifying.

Cutting some details short, I had my questions and facts answered, I had now traced moms whereabouts to the place I was born Edinburgh, her marriage following the year later, living with hubby in Glasgow, now with the tracing back to Haymarket area I knew she was indeed my mom. I had also found " me " I was now the holder of my own birth certificate and details of place I was born, also linking mom to this area. All dates were also tallying, everything was coming together as I new it would.
I traced my half brother via a private investigator as I had come to my end with drawing a blank as he had moved from the address I had. The PI after one week ( a Monday ) found his address, contacted me, so I sent my letter off, which arrived on the Wednesday.Letter was found on the Wednesday by his brother. The reason being, brother passed away the day before, Tuesday quite unexpectedly, and not even aware I had been looking for him, nor of course knowing of my letter was in the post on his way to him, sadly nor was he aware of my existence.

I briefly had one telephone conversation with his brother, my half brother, who after my questions that needed answering in confirming to myself that his mother was indeed my mother, and of what I told him of what I knew, we both agreed we shared the same mom.
Not such a happy ending as although it took him a couple of weeks before he done the right thing, he posted a photo of my mom, which I have waited 61 years for, he doesnt seem to want to get to know me, his new found half sister, even ignoring my Christmas and New Year greeting to him, so another member of my family who seems to have shunned me.

Onto the present day, I can go to my grave having seen what my birth mother looks like. I am and will always be by myself, you can be around people yet still feel alone. I have, and always will be a survivor, life has treated me that way.

The conclusion and ending was so near and yet so far. The cake never materialised itself, although I did contact my estrange daughter who was on the other end of the phone when I opened moms death certificate envelope as I only felt that right at the time. My daughter after a later phone call came straight out by mentioning that she bakes cakes, not as a business but she has sold some amongst her friends. The family celebration too never materialised itself, but if it had of been more of a successful outcome, could have easily of taken place September, or failing that, last Christmas or New Year.
But I do now truly believe my late mom and her mom, my grandma are my guardian angels. As for me and my daughter, well due to words and her attitude, we are back to being estranged. Also want to add that all three parents have now long passed on.

You are more than a survivor.You are also a strong ,courageous lady.I salute you.
The skills you have learn't in your journey will help you also in the next life.
Please have no regrets.You are a shining beautiful light.
Stephen

Gosh lady!
I am so sorry that after all you went through, you never met your family.
But you did have a mum and dad who loved you, took care of you? Right?
You may never know the reason your birth mother gave you up, I feel it was for all the right reasons though.
I hope you feel more settled, knowing what your birth mum looked like.
Love to you Vanilla xxxx

Another strange thing, I always believed birth mother was Scottish, but found out from half brother she was British, having lived only eight to ten miles from where I was living, but brother reckons she fled or to use his words, escped to Scotland to give birth to me. Brother also told me via this one telephone call that he believes mom had a twin, although I cannot find any information leading to his statement. I have checked it out. I can find details of moms birth, who brother says he believes the two got seperated as children and mom spent her years or most of them until she ran away, from an orphange run by nuns. Guess in those days it was very different as I also believe moms mom was a single, unmarried lady.
In hindsight I have gone as far as I want to as for my family tree. I found those three months very stressful and glad its all over.

Thank you so much skstarblum for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Yes to be a survivor you do need to be strong. And looking back on my childhood, there is much I will not say openly on this forum, it was not very pleasant, and has made me the tough person I am today. Yet deep inside I am not always as tough as I make out I am.

So she was an orphan?
How do you feel about researching her life?
My daughter researched her dads life, he was in an orphanage from 9months old, along with his 2 sisters and brother.
They were not kept together and didnt know they were related.
She found loads of info, starting with the Dr Barnados home he was brought up in.
My dad always said he was a twin, said his sister died when she was 9.
Yet we cannot find any info on her either xxx

Mia it was so stressful, and I am too old to delve any further, plus It can eat up a lot of money. I have what I want, a photo of mom.
How strange that twins are cropping up, yet can not be found on birth registers.

Yes Dr Barnardo's was the place I first wrote to several years ago, but their answer came back as negative.

ok, I understand, sorry xxx

yes! re twins ....... a message for us there perhaps?

Vanilla I have just had time to read this now.
I do feel for you in your life constantly searching for a mother. I can understand that thought.
You worked hard to find her then not having the chance to meet her. That is heartbreaking..

At least you did find out about her and her life. You have now something solid to look back on.
I'm the opposite to you regarding relations with my family. I am very close to my son but not so close to my daughter.
Her own father lives in the USA and suddenly is talking an interest in her after 30 odd years.
She has now turned to him and giving me the cold shoulder.
Why I don't know.

I can imagine the confusion on your thoughts. Why did she give me away? Did she have feelings about me?
I used to think the same about my mother as she was more inclined towards my brother.
But at the end of her life,she turned towards me.
Sometimes resentments come through like 'Why didn't she try to find me?' I would have felt the same.
So many relationships involved with strangers you didn't know.

My heart goes out to you....

Joan xxx

Aussiepom, the first thing I did was google mapped both birth mother and brothers addresses, brother who signed certificate which gave details as " son." Both addresses looked almost identical and looked very shabby surroundings, typical type apartment flats for Glasgow it now seems. My immediate thoughts was mom had a hard life. Living brother didnt tell me much about her when I asked what was she like, but he did tell me she was not very maternal, which I replied something as, judging by her start in life, I was not surprised, or I could understand. I also have a sister, so he told me, but it seemed to me a no no discussion, something to do with her attitude when mom passed, he simply does not want anything to do with her not even when it came to brothers funeral when I broached that subject via e-mail, as to will he be able to contact her in time. Of course I placed one or two adds, with what info I know, both concerning my moms twin, my moms mom my gran, I found out her name too, my half sister, and I also placed an add to where mom used to work at the time she and my father met, as this hospital is no more, but hoping there was still someone alive who maybe worked with her, friends, or any members of staff that remembers her. The adds are still in place, so far no one has contacted me.

I too feel for you the hurt daughter is causing, maybe without realising, while getting to know her father who has had no contact with her for all those missing years. My daughter too is holding resentment over what she believes I held from her over her father, yet she knows that she knows as much as I do, I have never held anything back. At the end of the day, life goes on, even when we hurt, we cant make someone like us or love us if they dont, that is what I have come to terms with.

Apologies for all my editings on many of todays posts, my spellchecker is not acting the way It should.

Looks as if you did everything you could to trace your mother. You worked very hard.
I think most folks who have lost a parent in one way or another,feels that space so much.
I was very lucky that my parents were loving and considerate. I was 12 years old when my brother was born.
A late baby. I was thrilled to bits by this new addition to the family.
To a 12 year old,it was like a new doll to play with....

But as the years went by,my mother became more attached to my brother and my father noticed.
He tried to make up to me for the love my mother stopped showing.
Always felt closer to my father then than mum.

My first husband as I said moved to the USA and married an American girl,I have not had any ill will about this. She is a lovely lady. Ex husband has literally ignored the fact he has a son and daughter in the UK.
Keeps in touch with now and again.
But my daughter who has been helped throughout the years by my second husband and myself,suddenly has turned very hostile towards me. Has changed in a way that I don't feel I know her at all now.
I've been advised to leave her for the moment. To see how things go.
It's still hurtful though....

Joan xx

On our tv this morning they showed a newspaper picture of a young mother. Nothing strange in that of course but, this mother openly admitted that one of her children, she mentioned the name, was her favourite. I cannot comment fully as I haven't read the story but it seems some feedback came straight into the studio, and was obviously mixed. One person even calling her a sc---m mother. I personally think she should have kept that to herself as she maybe not be aware the future damage she could cause. Yes I agree if we have several children ( I only have the one ) we are bound to have favourites, yet MUST treat them all the same, and that includes LOVING them ALL equally.

I love my daughter, but I do not like her.

Aussiepom, you know what they say, " the grass is always greener on the other side, " bare that in mind that in time she will ( when time is right ) come back to you.

Yes,I have a strong she will,Vanilla. We've always been close. My son is now back in the UK after spending several years in Oz.
Considering the years he spent there,I am still close to him too.
I don't know why she has suddenly grown close to her father again.
I'm pleased actually but wondered about the sudden change.
Ah well,that's life......

Thanks Vanilla....

Joan

Thank you for sharing that touching story. I hope that you can bridge the gap betgween you and your daughter. Our children are so dear to us, and when there is a division... a lack of communication... is can break our hearts. I'll raise a prayer for you and your daughter.
The story was fasicinating.

Vanilla2 wrote:I headed this journal as Survival of Vanilla as that is exactly how I see my life, I know no other way, as a survivor, always a survivor.

Where do I begin, always knew I was adopted by my birth father and his wife, my mom as I called her, who I was told she could not have children. My father at some point met my birth mother, who gave birth to me in Scotland Edinburgh, then gave me up, of which I was never sure whether she gave me up straight after birth or at a later date, maybe 18 months later. My father from my young age told me my birth mothers name both christian and surname, which was also on my adoption certificate. Now the adoption certificate was dated two years after I was born, thats how long the process took to go through the courts. So my birth father is now my rightful father, his wife now becoming my mom that I grew up with knowing that she wasnt my true mother.
To jump ahead a little, I had during my 30s or 40s tried to trace my birth mother, but baring in mind it was done by letter or phonecall, I never had a computer. I wasnt that meticulous in tracing her so it kind of fell to the wayside, think thats the right expression. As the years went by, I grew older, so I always believed as time went by that if I was to start tracing again, she would now surely be dead, and so it went on and on. Yet I had so many questions wanting to ask, like, did you ever regret giving me up? do you, did you ever think of me on my birthdays? did you even remember when my birthday was? did you ever wonder how I turned out? and of course what other living relatives do I have, and most importantly, are you happy?

Jumping ahead to February of last year, I took myself to my first Psychic, clairvoyant meeting down at our village hall. She singled me out with descibing my mom and her mom, my gran to a tee. First strange thing she mentioned was a cake, a celebration, which was going to take place in September, September of last year. I came away from that meeting poo pooing what she said as ridiculous. Ridiculous because I have no family, well not any more as most had passed or what were left are not worth talking about, either have no time for me, or just lost contact or were never close in the first place, even my only daughter and myself were estranged although daughters birthday is September.

Jumping ahead again to late July or August of last year. Having given the psychic not any more thought, particularly as I never went back, I had put it to the back of my mind.

Now last year was UKs Olympics and Paralympics, the Paralympics taking place July August, I spotted a lady on tv who I recognised from way back when I was 12 13 and 14, she was my art and needlework teacher from school, what was she doing on tv, well she was Miss Margaret Maughan the first ever Paralympic gold medal winner of the 1960s who was going to be the main opening torch lighter. I was amazed and tried looking up info of her as a teacher at my old school, yet had no luck, just kept taking me to link after link, that was until I came to a " missing you " link. You know the type, missing family, friends, army pals etc. Well would you belive it, there right in front of me was an add from my estranged daughter in her 40s, looking for info on her birth father. So I thought while I am here I may as well place my own add, not expecting anything would ever come of this, but hey, lets give it a go I thought.
The next day I checked my e-mails, there was just one reply to my add, seemed genuine enough, especially when I now understand some adds can and do recieve replies from fraudsters, unsoliciteds and spammers, I somehow avaided any of that, boy was I lucky, nor strangely did I recieve any more replies.
I replied and straight away followed her info up, and the next day I was holding an envelope of my birth mothers death certificate.

By September I am now in the process of chasing the wearabouts of half brother who signed moms certificate, also continuing with my own internet tracing, still needed some more facts and figures that I did indeed have the real person, that this certificate was my real mother. Yet I instinctively knew that she was, I just had that feeling from day one, just needed some varifying.

Cutting some details short, I had my questions and facts answered, I had now traced moms whereabouts to the place I was born Edinburgh, her marriage following the year later, living with hubby in Glasgow, now with the tracing back to Haymarket area I knew she was indeed my mom. I had also found " me " I was now the holder of my own birth certificate and details of place I was born, also linking mom to this area. All dates were also tallying, everything was coming together as I new it would.
I traced my half brother via a private investigator as I had come to my end with drawing a blank as he had moved from the address I had. The PI after one week ( a Monday ) found his address, contacted me, so I sent my letter off, which arrived on the Wednesday.Letter was found on the Wednesday by his brother. The reason being, brother passed away the day before, Tuesday quite unexpectedly, and not even aware I had been looking for him, nor of course knowing of my letter was in the post on his way to him, sadly nor was he aware of my existence.

I briefly had one telephone conversation with his brother, my half brother, who after my questions that needed answering in confirming to myself that his mother was indeed my mother, and of what I told him of what I knew, we both agreed we shared the same mom.
Not such a happy ending as although it took him a couple of weeks before he done the right thing, he posted a photo of my mom, which I have waited 61 years for, he doesnt seem to want to get to know me, his new found half sister, even ignoring my Christmas and New Year greeting to him, so another member of my family who seems to have shunned me.

Onto the present day, I can go to my grave having seen what my birth mother looks like. I am and will always be by myself, you can be around people yet still feel alone. I have, and always will be a survivor, life has treated me that way.

The conclusion and ending was so near and yet so far. The cake never materialised itself, although I did contact my estrange daughter who was on the other end of the phone when I opened moms death certificate envelope as I only felt that right at the time. My daughter after a later phone call came straight out by mentioning that she bakes cakes, not as a business but she has sold some amongst her friends. The family celebration too never materialised itself, but if it had of been more of a successful outcome, could have easily of taken place September, or failing that, last Christmas or New Year.
But I do now truly believe my late mom and her mom, my grandma are my guardian angels. As for me and my daughter, well due to words and her attitude, we are back to being estranged. Also want to add that all three parents have now long passed on.

Thank you Bhagavandas, and thank you all for taking time in reading this rather lengthy post. Yesterday morning was one of those mornings that I found myself contemplating on the bad situation's of my life, and I guess I let it all out on paper. You know the type, the family members who have turned their backs on you, the if only's. If only I had done that years ago my life would not be as it is now. Yet in reality my life could have been much worse. I do have so much to be thankful for, but at times I feel very alone, guess I always have and still feel there really is no one but yourself who can or will help you. Maybe I have very little trust in humans, at some point in time, I believe they all let you down.

Major "hugs" Vanilla. Attempting to unravel one's past to understand it so that one can create a different future, based on my experience, is a mess and very painful. And I agree with you, humans can't be trusted and at sometime they will all let you down. Sometimes I think that even God Himself can not be trusted, let alone humans. But I seem to have reached a place where I am somewhat at peace with that because understanding it keeps one in a non delusional world where you do not expect God or humans to be trustworthy. If one wants trustworthy, get a good dog . You are loved! sun

Ha ha I have three, and all three are completely trustworthy.

Thanks for sharing Vanilla''nilla,' I wish I could hug you and make you feel better! (-: