Journal of the Spirit

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 16th 2012, 10:13 am

"The path is part of the experience." When the experience of the path is no longer desired, we then begin to explore another path.
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Self Discovery #1

Post by Spirit-Being on February 18th 2012, 1:07 pm

I have come to this realization in myself that i have an addictive personality. Anything pleasurable or anything that feels good inside i tend to like obsessively. Saw a show on television last night called bad sex, the man on the show was addicted to love and fell in love instantly with woman. This is me dead on, it is a huge wake up call me for, yes Love feels wonderful but wanting it from all women i meet, is just a little insane. It begins to create some form of jelousy and anger within me.

It has shown me why i am where i am in my relationship with my wife. I am just grateful that i can see this now as i have been stubborn & blind to all the help that was given to me. I felt this ever since i stopped (drinking, drugging, smoking) I may have removed those things from my life, but got attached to other things in an obsessive way, that it began to kill me slowly.

There was something i saw on a womans page on facebook, that at first i didn't quite understand or even liked, because it didn't make much sense to me at the time. I think it said something like

~ I am at peace with my imperfections ~

I am beginning to understand this more clearly. No one is perfect, not even prideful me and believe me at times i was portraying just that. I have come to some understanding of why, i have this question about why women wear makeup.

Ever since i was young i put women up on a pedestal, there beauty with all the makeup made it very dificult to see beyond that. I always thought women were perfect and this infected my teen years, where i had low self esteem issues within me, so my relationships never actually worked out because once i began to see flaws in girlfriends or women i would walk away. I want to blame our culture for this but i cannot i have to look within myself and understand why i put women on pedestals.

In the show there was a woman who dated men that would tell her she was perfect in ever way.
She began to feel this immense pressure within her to continue to be as perfect as she can which created insecurities and self esteem issues within her. I also want to blame the makeup that women wear to my own cause of insecurities but again i cannot. I have to look within myself and find out why these low self esteem issues and addictions surfaced and what are the deeper underlying issues.

Many Blessings


Last edited by Spirit-Being on February 18th 2012, 4:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Self Discovery #2

Post by Spirit-Being on February 18th 2012, 3:53 pm

This is very difficult for me to post, as i am ashamed that i did not see this sooner. Today i came to realize that i have been quite envious of others in their relationships, i would see a picture posted on facebook of a woman and a man together enjoying the bond and closeness of their relationship, also i would read people communicating in playful loving ways, and found that envy would arise, directly after that i would become Jelous, and finally Angry. These emotions arose within me because this is what i want in life. But i am grateful that i am able to see this now, at least i can observe and work on what i failed to see for so long. My counselor said work on being in the now, i have heard this so many times posted here, and other places but failed to listen. I guess the block that was keeping me from seeing the truth had to be seen, before i could actually listen to advice given. Now i could begin to understand me better.

Many Blessings


Last edited by Spirit-Being on February 18th 2012, 4:35 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Self Discovery #3

Post by Spirit-Being on February 18th 2012, 4:35 pm

Just a moment ago i felt Pride rise within me, i have a very difficult time when i discover that these emotions are coming to the surface. And now that i can recognize them it hurts badly, because i need to learn to control these emotions so i don't make poor decisions. What caused this is i am having a difficult time receiving help from my friends on facebook. I feel that what i am writing here will teach some, but im finding this need for others to tell me they learned something from my words or posts and i am not getting this, which makes it difficult for me to receive help. I know this is my Pride once again wanting satisfaction. Pride is vicious it directly turned into Anger. There is much for me to discover within my thinking and my mind.


Many Blessings

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 19th 2012, 9:42 am

Just reread my post above as i have been bringing posts that i write out there over to here. I am writing these things so others will understand where i am at this moment. It seems i have been living in the darkness and the cold for a long time, now i just want to awaken and feel the warmth & light.

Many Blessings

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 19th 2012, 11:27 am

I remember back when I was thirty-six and grappling with the same things that you are grappling with Smile . My mind was like the Hydra monster, every time I cut off one head two more heads grew in the first head's place. The deeper that I delved in to my personality programing the more complicated things got. My mind begin to play a game with me and my mind was really slick at playing that game. Eventually I did win the game, but with all things said and done, it was a merry chase.
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Vanilla2 on February 19th 2012, 12:06 pm

You are not alone in your thinking Spirit-being. I too want what others have got, re: relationships. I record a regular tv programme whereby couples are looking to move to a new country property, and I particularly watch the older retired couples that have raised there families and now looking to follow new hobbies, together. And I so much want to be living there lives. So many look so happy, and relaxed in each others company, and have respect for each other. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side, yet I would willingly swap my side for a share of there's, and some love and happiness.

What I am learning from your words, are that we are miles apart, country and age, yet by putting pen to paper, unites others, apart from ourselves, to a similar situation, that can be worked on.
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 19th 2012, 12:37 pm

Vanilla2 wrote:You are not alone in your thinking Spirit-being. I too want what others have got, re: relationships. I record a regular tv programme whereby couples are looking to move to a new country property, and I particularly watch the older retired couples that have raised there families and now looking to follow new hobbies, together. And I so much want to be living there lives. So many look so happy, and relaxed in each others company, and have respect for each other. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side, yet I would willingly swap my side for a share of there's, and some love and happiness.

What I am learning from your words, are that we are miles apart, country and age, yet by putting pen to paper, unites others, apart from ourselves, to a similar situation, that can be worked on.

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 19th 2012, 10:43 pm

sunmystic wrote:I remember back when I was thirty-six and grappling with the same things that you are grappling with Smile . My mind was like the Hydra monster, every time I cut off one head two more heads grew in the first head's place. The deeper that I delved in to my personality programing the more complicated things got. My mind begin to play a game with me and my mind was really slick at playing that game. Eventually I did win the game, but with all things said and done, it was a merry chase.

Yeah i am going through just that the hydra monster doesn't seem to want to quit. Sometimes it seems that progress is at a stand still. But i won't quit i too want to be able to win the game. Thanks for sharing this it was a big help, its always nice to hear other peoples experiences as it helps me to understand whats going on inside me.

Many Blessings

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 19th 2012, 10:55 pm

Vanilla2 wrote:You are not alone in your thinking Spirit-being. I too want what others have got, re: relationships. I record a regular tv programme whereby couples are looking to move to a new country property, and I particularly watch the older retired couples that have raised there families and now looking to follow new hobbies, together. And I so much want to be living there lives. So many look so happy, and relaxed in each others company, and have respect for each other. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side, yet I would willingly swap my side for a share of there's, and some love and happiness.

What I am learning from your words, are that we are miles apart, country and age, yet by putting pen to paper, unites others, apart from ourselves, to a similar situation, that can be worked on.

One thing i have been lacking in is empathy towards others and good social skills, probably why i haven't been posting much in the past years. I didn't know how to reply to things or i just forgot for a while. Im sure i will be rusty for a while please understand if i say something that offends anyone or i mislead anyone, thats the last thing i want to do. But i am working hard to overcome these obstacles. I do understand what you are going through Vanilla, it hurts sometimes when i see people actually enjoying each others company, i want to be happy for them, but its so hard as i do not have that connection right now with that other person as they do. But im learning to tame the emotions that run wild. I'm tired of them controlling how i think. thank god for being able to connect here and on facebook and im sure other places that people go to... unity is very important we learn and grow together and it feels quite good to have wonderful friends. Group Hug

Many Blessings

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 20th 2012, 7:30 am

This morning i awoke and found myself very clear minded, i am coming to terms with my emotions and working hard to understand them. Once i recognize a Negative Emotion, i will tell it "i don't believe you" and then that emotion has no power for that time. Doubt tried to creep in this morning, it tried to convince me that i was moving backwards rather than forward, but again i told it "i don't believe you" of course a new Negative emotion will arise and the same thing must be done. After a while these emotions will have less and less power, helping you to express the more positive ones, like Compassion, Love, Joy..... Working on yourself is such a great tool, its not easy but its very rewarding. Hope i can share some of my knowledge as i go through this. I want to help others out there that deal with the same things. the mind will become very tricky and play games but as you become more aware, you will eventually win the game of the mind.

Have a great day : )

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 20th 2012, 1:12 pm

Spirit-Being wrote:This morning i awoke and found myself very clear minded, i am coming to terms with my emotions and working hard to understand them. Once i recognize a Negative Emotion, i will tell it "i don't believe you" and then that emotion has no power for that time. Doubt tried to creep in this morning, it tried to convince me that i was moving backwards rather than forward, but again i told it "i don't believe you" of course a new Negative emotion will arise and the same thing must be done. After a while these emotions will have less and less power, helping you to express the more positive ones, like Compassion, Love, Joy..... Working on yourself is such a great tool, its not easy but its very rewarding. Hope i can share some of my knowledge as i go through this. I want to help others out there that deal with the same things. the mind will become very tricky and play games but as you become more aware, you will eventually win the game of the mind.

Have a great day : )

You are now consciously reprogramming your subconscious mind Smile . Over time your subconscious mind will become a part of the new Spirit-Being team.
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 20th 2012, 1:16 pm

I didn't actually win the game Smile I cheated. I just went in and reprogrammed the part that was the mess.
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 22nd 2012, 6:14 pm

Today i am feeling quite sad, this emotion seems to hurt bad at deep levels. Maybe sadness helps release pain inside, i do know that i am feeling some sort of pain and i do feel like crying and im sure i will. Tears are cleansing, never be afraid to cry this is a natural thing we all go through. I have this sensation inside my chest that seems to hurt and ache. Well i will work through this and observe where the pain stems from. I can't think of much more to write as the ache is pretty darn strong.

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 22nd 2012, 6:14 pm

My feelings are very mixed today, i am sad then im happy, then sad again. I feel im not being as honest as i should be, this is what im working on daily. Love is very hard for me to understand as theres so many emotions and feelings that come to the surface. Last week i began getting butterflies in my stomach as i started having feelings toward someone, i started getting excited and having feelings of Joy, those butterflies reached me deep in the pit of my stomach the sensation felt like a tickle which im sure many can relate to. It's exhilirating and i crave more it's like a natural drug, but there has to be a way to keep that feeling alive in lifelong relationships. That is my quest i will discover how and why i love this feeling so much. I can look at it this way if it's this feeling im chasing for the rest of my life, then i will find a way to bring this forward in a lifelong relationship.

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I know everything I know nothing

Post by Spirit-Being on February 22nd 2012, 6:15 pm

I really don't know anything anymore all i know is i want to be more childlike, and discover new and exciting things life seems dreary and boring, but i know it's not that way it's how i am feeling right now. Same thing everyday, wheres the newness that life has to offer? Maybe i fail to see it, or maybe there's nothing new to explore. Maybe its me, Maybe i should do what ever i want, maybe i should do only what i need to do. I know people out there have discovered this and have shared it, i know life is much more than how we live it each day, i know we have yet to discover the beauty of who we are and the world we live in, i know that one day we all will evolve into who we were meant to be, i know there is more than this, i know there are illusions, i know my programming of my mind will be reprogrammed for the better, i know im tired of living this way, i know who i truly am, i know nothing....


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Is this a dream?

Post by Spirit-Being on February 22nd 2012, 6:16 pm

Life seems like a dream, am i here? am i actually here? i have no idea what is real anymore, Feels like life should not be this hard, feels like life should be much easier and beautiful. This is a nightmare, i need to wake up. My mind is like a computer, my programming came from evolution of concepts, ideas, and beliefs. Its all bull, i am still like the caveman except i use a fork to eat with. My thinking is wacked this is not who i am, what is it to be me? all these concepts and ideas dug deep within my mind, who am i, am i them, am i what they want me to be? Sad part is i am just like everyone else. I have not found who i am i may never find out. I am tainted forever.....

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 22nd 2012, 6:34 pm

Hard drive of my mind is full of concepts, ideas, & beliefs need a new brain i mean hard drive!!!

Maybe just a factory restore!!

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Vanilla2 on February 23rd 2012, 3:24 am

I can only relate from a past experience, but the butterflies feeling relates to a mixture of excitement, anticipation and nervousness. There are possibly more, such as an adrenaline rush. It is also associated with the fight or flight syndrome.

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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 23rd 2012, 9:18 am

thank you Vanilla this was a big help, im trying to understand what Love actually is and what you have explained about those butterflies was truly helpful.


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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 23rd 2012, 10:43 am

Vanilla2 wrote:I can only relate from a past experience, but the butterflies feeling relates to a mixture of excitement, anticipation and nervousness. There are possibly more, such as an adrenaline rush. It is also associated with the fight or flight syndrome.


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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 23rd 2012, 10:46 am

Spirit-Being wrote:thank you Vanilla this was a big help, im trying to understand what Love actually is and what you have explained about those butterflies was truly helpful.


Spirit-Being you have a very good brain and once one starts to equate one's brain to a computer that can be reprogrammed, they are on their way home.
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Vanilla2 on February 24th 2012, 3:58 am

Good observation sunmystic. But one needs a brain in view to re-programming that computer in the first place. Sorry I dont mean to make a joke of your statement, of course you are right, its just that catch 22 syndrome. Smile
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by sunmystic on February 24th 2012, 10:37 am

Vanilla2 wrote:Good observation sunmystic. But one needs a brain in view to re-programming that computer in the first place. Sorry I dont mean to make a joke of your statement, of course you are right, its just that catch 22 syndrome. Smile

Smile
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Re: Journal of the Spirit

Post by Spirit-Being on February 26th 2012, 12:28 pm

Good points thanks for the feedback Very Happy

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